Communication is the key to keeping relationships alive. It
not only provides a means to share thoughts, but also facilitates bonding.
Sometimes miscommunication or just lack of communication for
that matter, may cause disturbances in a relationship which are beyond repair.
A similar incident took place with me six months ago.
Last semester I volunteered for NUS stage as the stage
manager. I was very excited as it was my first time adapting such a role.
Knowing that focus, and good organization are my strengths I knew I would do a
great job.
When a friend of mine got to know about it she requested to
join the team as the head of the lighting department. Despite being unaware of her skills and
dedication towards the job, I took her on the team because she was a good
friend of mine. I trusted she would do great.
Sometimes blending your professional life with your personal
one can upset your relationships. I learnt it the hard way.
As time progressed, I noticed her lack of
concentration and dedication during work. Assuming she was going through tough
times on her personal front I decided to speak to her. She wasn’t very
open to me about her feelings, and made excuses for the same.
I didn’t worry too much about it, and tried to ensure that
it wouldn’t affect the stage rehearsals.
Before the final event, we were supposed to have a mock run,
with lighting and video recording. To everyone’s shock she didn’t turn up for
the mock run nor did she inform anyone earlier.
Due to no lighting, the video turned out bad and all the all team
members blamed me for recruiting the wrong person.
Although I was very furious, I decided not to confront her.
I thought this would affect our friendship. Instead I asked another friend of
mine who had a good background with lighting to help out on the final day in
case things went wrong. I did hint through non-verbals that I was furious for
her actions, but couldn’t boldly speak to her. And I know now, it was a bad
choice.
On the final day, when she got to know I approached someone
else for the lighting she was in charge of, she was very hurt. She abruptly
quit, handing over her job to the other guy.
She said it showed I didn’t trust her.
Since then, we’ve talked about it a couple of times but
things between us are not the same. We are hardly in touch now. A communication
gap has built over time.
What do you think I should do now, move on or still try to set things right? If you were in my place how differently would you have
handled the situation?
Hi Shweta!
ReplyDeleteVery clear and concise post. I understood the conflict instantly just by reading it once.
I think you are right in pointing out that personal and professional life, when mixed might result damaged relationships.
I can understand how angry you might have felt! Perhaps, you should have took the time to get to know her and the skills that she possesses and form there, recommend a job that she could've done instead of just letting her take on the role she wanted. Using the 'Six Seconds’ Strategies to Improve Your EQ' table, i guess it would be 'Self-awareness' which is 'the recognition of the causes and effects of your own feelings and reaction'. By recognising the implications of your actions, things might have not escalated into a conflict.
You solved the problem by looking for alternative person to do the job, which is probably the best thing to do in your situation. Well done! Under the 6 second table, that would probably be 'accountability' You definitely showed that you were accountable for your own actions instead of just putting the blame on her or anyone else.
I would try contacting her again asking to meet over lunch or something and see if she still holds a grudge. If she doesn't, you should continue keeping in touch with her to show that you still treasure her as a friend! If she still holds a grudge then maybe you should explain yourself and try to set things right. Since it happened quite some time ago, emotions will have settled since then and both of you will be able to talk it out maturely.
-Gwen
Hey Gwen,
DeleteThanks for your feedback!
You are very right in mentioning that one must take into account the strengths and weaknesses of the person before taking him up for the job. Just that in this situation I assumed she would put in a lot of effort owing to the interest she demonstrated.
Thanks for your advice. I do call her once a while. I guess time is a great neutralizer of feelings. Though neither of us bring up that topic now, we still haven't completely forgotten it.
Anyhow, I hope things improve over time!
Thanks again! :D
Hey Shweta!
ReplyDeleteGreat post. I would think that many of us can relate to how mixing personal and work life can be a real bummer sometimes; even to the point of permanently straining relationships.
I agree with what Gwen has pointed out. It was right of you to have spoken to her and tried to understand what was going on. It clearly shows empathy on your part and accountability as the stage manager. However, at that juncture, I feel that you could have taken a more decisive action such as making it clear to her that if her problems persist, you might not have been able to have her on your team due to the consequences that it may have on the whole production. Also, you might have wanted to get her to understand that whatever decisions you were about to make would be strictly professional and ask for her not to take it personally.
You showed self-honesty when you admitted that it was a wrong decision not to talk to her when you were furious about what she had done or rather, in this case, what she had not done.
Also, I agree with Gwen about her suggestion on how time would certainly help fix the strained relationship. I personally am of the idea that no grudge is worthy enough to be held against anybody for such long periods of time. Last but not least, I think that if all else fails, you can try to suggest to her to put all things aside and try to start anew with her. If all else fails, you would have certainly done your part in trying to salvage the friendship and then the next step would be to move on and be optimistic that this was the best outcome that you have chosen that was within your control.
Cheers,
Hakeem
Hey Hakeem,
DeleteThinking back to the mistakes I made earlier, I agree with you on the fact that speaking to her from the very beginning about where she went wrong or how furious her actions made me would have probably been a better choice. But sometimes you are limited by the nature and personality of the other person. If you know the person well, you can probably tell how he/she would react which prevents you from doing what you think is right.
Time definitely sets things straight. You are right in pointing out that relationships can be fixed over time, or at least the impact of the problem reduced. Although at times, untold feelings can affect a relationship if you want to give it a new start and hence talking it out is probably the only left option left now.
However, trying to correct faults of the past is definitely worth trying. And as you mentioned, if all else fails at least I've done my bit.
Thanks a lot for your feedback :D
This post is so relevant because it describes a recurring problem amongst friends: communication breakdown due to differences in expectations. You do a fine job of outlining the context, the characters involved, their motivation and the tasks. The only thing that could potentially throw someone off is the fact that you have two questions, one focusing on the "now" and the other on "what might have been if..."
ReplyDeleteStill, you've garnered good feedback. Thanks for your effort, Shweta.
Hi Brad,
DeleteThanks for your feedback! :)
Will take care of the same next time.